Newspeak

Recently I have been thinking about simplifying Czech. This language is really unnecessarily too difficult. I would prefer something like Newspeak. Well, I would take off some words and make declinations and conjugations easier. Why should we keep thinking about it.

I thought it would be a good idea to try this on my parents first. I carefully started to make sure they would understand me. Starting talking too much at once would be difficult for them to get. Therefore I take it step by step.

For example this morning when I woke up (I was surprised to wake up in my bed and not in my parents bed :-) and when I looked around I found out mom was bundled under the blanket but daddy was gone. I started in shy manner. “Daddy not”. Mom lifted her head so I went on “daddy bye”. It took some time until mom understood the meaning and importance of what happened.

When she finally got it (she boots a bit slowly in the morning) she gave me a big smile. “You are right. Daddy went for a walk with Ája…” That was the moment I understood that my newspeak won’t help to make the conversation faster – before a man (or my mom) translates it into old Czech, it would take even more time than regular speech.

I gave mom a few days before I tried it on her again. I know you surely understand much faster than she does in the morning but just to make sure I added also the translation into parenthesis.

Recently I got much into drawing. I sort of terrorize my parents because I make them to draw me a bear, a car, or some other picture to have something to draw over. Drawing on a white paper sheet is boring. Sometimes I need some other assistance and I must admit that mom got this part of my newspeak pretty quickly. “Pen down” (Mommy, my pencil fell down, you should probably get it back for me, what do you think?)

Other small talk we had was in favor of Ája. Mommy started closing a gate on the stairways to protect me from walking steps up and down on my own. “Pat, pat Ája” (Look, Ája is coming on the stairs. Somebody should go and open the gate for her, should he not?” I said and gave mom a significant look. Mom got it quite fast although she was a bit faster with the pencils.

Most of my conversation with parents goes on in the same way. I use simple connections they are supposed to understand and usually I also use the same words.
„Birdie not, birdie bye“(I want to see some birds, why do they keep flying away?).
„Bounce“ (Hi hi, mom has dropped something again, may be it is broken – what fun!).
„Pat, pat“ (Mommy, why do you think I have two legs… you don’t believe I will let you tie my into the stroller when I want to walk, do you? I don’t care much that you are in a hurry. )

Daddy tries to take an advantage of my conversation skills development and keeps teaching me words such as “please”, “thank you” etc. He uses the technique of “cuckoo words”. He keeps repeating words I know “grandpa”, “grandma”, “Ája”, “mommy” etc. and tries to insert among them for example “please”. I like playing this game with him. All I have to do is to be careful and not let him confuse me. When he says “please” I say “grandpa” instead. We try it a few times and that daddy ends the game – I win.

The only thing I am not sure much about is that my parents will ever learn to simplify the language as well as I do.

A thing which used to be a table…

Yesterday I managed to frighten my mom really well. It was already evening and I was just about leaving for bed. Mom sent me to give daddy a good-night kiss and off I should have gone.

Unfortunately daddy was just in the middle of some very interesting movie scene and so he said I could wait half a minute. I was not interested in movie at all and so I crawled next to him to the sofa and started moving back and forth over his legs. Suddenly – I myself have no idea how did it happen, I slipped and fell. The trouble was that in my way there was a coffee table. I hit it with my head and than fell to the floor. At the same time there was very loud noise and I felt dizzy. You know, I am not a softling and from time to time I am used to bumping into something with my head… to be honest I keep bumping into furniture all the time. But this was different – much worse. I started crying of course – well I was rather screaming bloody murder – and I am not sure if that was more of pain or of a shock.

Daddy lifted me immediately and mom went to examine every part of my body. There was not a scratch, a bruise or injury visible. She could not believe that because when daddy handed me over mom and I stuck to her like a fly to a flytrap, she started a new row of examination.

Daddy took off the table cloth and mom was shocked once more. I could hear the little drum in her chest “drumming” twice as fast. Daddy too was white in face but did not show out how frightened he was. He just murmured something about totally broken table.

The thing is that the table composed of two “unbreakable” thick tempered-glass desks connected with legs. The upper desk was broken and in the middle there was a part in a triangular shape missing. Its edge was at about the place where my head bumped into it. There were quite many glass cullets around too.

It took some more time to make sure I was not injured at all and did not have any pain. Mom performed one last examination and than I went to bed.

I was so shocked with the whole thing, that I fell asleep even before I started to count my plush sheep.

White February

It is a beginning of February and outside there is still much snow. Actually snow is really everywhere – mainly on the sidewalks and roads. Mommy is not very happy about it, because it is quite impossible to take my pram outside because there is not enough space on the sidewalks. Therefore we go outside only for shorter walks – as far as I can walk myself.

I on the other side quite enjoy snow. It is white, it is cold and sometimes it is bad like me :-) because it gets in my gloves and shoes. I love to puddle in it and it is very good material for throwing on Ája… and to fall into it.

My daddy likes this weather too I guess. It woke ancient building passions in him. He built large snow house and tunnel on our garden. The house looks really impressive but I am not sure with the statics. After all daddy is mainly a computer specialist and programmer – not a builder and architect. It took some time until I talked myself into entering the house. Daddy had to go with me, to ensure me he trusts the construction. At least if the house collapsed, he would get buried with snow with me :-)

Lecithin

From time to time everybody forgets something. My daddy for example used to be an expert on forgetting his ID documents. He left home by car, hit the road and two or three kilometers later he called mommy to get his wallet with all ID cards and bring it down to the garage that he is on the way back to pick it up :-). Mommy usually had some witty comment and finally she made a note which she stuck on the door saying “Don’t forget your wallet!” It worked because since than it hardly ever happens again.

Unfortunately when mommy forgets, it has much more fatal results. For example yesterday. Every evening when mom prepares dinner she lets Ája out to get some fresh air. Ája takes a few rounds around the garden and than hurries home for her dinner. But yesterday mom forgot Ája was still outside and she left my furry sister in the cold evening in the garden. Ája likes to be outside alone but not like that I guess.

And what is worse, Ája is not the only victim of my mom’s sclerosis. Last week mom and I went out for shopping. We were supposed to meet daddy by the store so we were in a bit of hurry. About five minutes after we left home mom started to examine me closely. Usually I keep stomping and clapping and try to jump in every water puddle I meet but for this I need good shoes. This time I had my home shoes on. Mom took me in her arms and we went back home. I was not happy – I wanted to walk – but mom was stronger.

When she gave me winter shoes we left again. Of course we came late to the store and poor daddy had to be very cold waiting for us.

Mom should start working on her memory. She should have asked Ježíšek to bring her some Lecithin instead of the pepper mill she got for Christmas. Next year I will ask him myself.

When Ježíšek came to visit

Yesterday I woke up into an interesting day. It all looked as usual until afternoon. Mommy packed me into a lot of clothes and sent me and daddy for a walk. We went to see my grandparents. There I also met my uncle and his family.

We came back just on time for the dinner. I got dressed into a shirt and pants and it all was so festive.

When we finished the dinner I heard something strange – I was like a bell. That woke my interest and I had to check it up. I went to the living room. I entered the room carefully – you never know – and I was really surprised. There was a tree full of nice decorations and lights. Underneath there were a lot of packages. The bells must have been from Ježíšek. I almost saw him. Next time I must be faster.

I checked the tree and the presents. There were also many presents for my parents. Ježíšek must be really very nice man because he brings also presents to those who were not as good as they should. I opened all packages easily – all I had to do was to pull on the ribbon and than take off the paper. Step by step I discovered some clothes – for mommy’s yoga and daddy’s sport, for me too. There were also some books and above all I found three cars.

I took the clothes and put it on one place. I created my own nest and hid inside. I had my books and was really happy. I hoped I was invisible but I was not. Mom got me. Although I didn’t want to I was carried to bed and even though it was Christmas Eve, I had to go to sleep.

A mouse

You would think that the only mouse you could find here in our home is the one which does “click-click”. I had thought that for very long time too but daddy helped me to change it. At first it looked like he had only some strange “hearings” – he could hear some strange scratching in his work room. Soon these “hearings” turned into a small mouse.

When my mom and I woke up yesterday in the morning, mom suffered a bad shock. She could see a bag and a box of a computer in the hall and she got afraid that daddy was leaving for some pretty blond. The only thing that puzzled her was the waste basket standing by the computer and bag. But daddy explained that he could hear the scratching again and was not sure which of the three things it came from.

Mom got a bucket in her hand to catch the mouse if it tried to run away and daddy carefully opened the bag. That is the bag he takes to work with him. He always keeps some cookies in it for case he runs out of powers during long operative meetings in the office. This spare cookie was all eaten around (well it was not my work, I swear). There was anything else in the bag.

Than daddy took a screwdriver and opened the case of the old computer. He keeps it under the table in his work room and I have a sneaky feeling it is there rather to protect me from getting closer to the wall with many interesting cables.

Nothing happened. There was nothing in the case. But than daddy shook the box and something fell out… what do you think it was? Well of course a mouse. I was sitting in my highchair – in the right distance but with very good view of the whole scene. Both parents jumped up but than mom got back her courage and holding the bucket she started the hunt. I could see the killing instincts in her eyes. She put the bucket on the mouse with such strength that she did not see the neck of the mouse was not under the bucket but under its side edge. The executed the poor thing as French guys used to do during the revolution but the guillotine was much sharper.

And than the mouse was buried in our waste can and we again have only one pet – our hairy doggy Ája.

St. Nikolas came to town…

On Saturday we had a visit of St. Nikolas. I did not meet him personally, unfortunately. My dear parents did not let me look for him together with Aja and took us both for a walk.

At first I was enjoying the walk quite a lot because I was walking myself, looking around and into the gardens. You can see nicely decorated trees in the gardens nowadays. I also run with Aja and she too was enjoying herself – mostly sniffing around. Than I started to feel my feet. I have small feet – that start to hurt sooner than feet of adults. So I stopped every now and than to gain some fresh power and look here and there.

My nervous mother did not have an understanding for that and soon she grabbed me and fixed in my stroller. She had it with us and of course I should have known why! The rest of our walk was funny, I was screaming bloody murder to punish mother and I am sure if we met anybody, people would turn behind us. Only the streets were empty.

When we came home, I could see St. Nikolas had already been gone. He just left two packages with nice ribbons on it. One was for me and one for my daddy. Mom did not get anything; she was not good the whole year. Daddy was surprised that both packages included something yummy. I guess he sort of expected to get only a package of coal (although I don’t know what would we use it for – you cannot use it either in our fireplace or in our gas boiler). I on the other hand was not surprised at all. I knew I was to get a lot of good things. The only thing I was not happy about was that we missed the visit. I was curious how the devils looked like. Well, may be next year.

I opened the package right away; took out a small chocolate figure of St. Nikolas – well it was rather a miniature of a small figure – and ate it at once. I was not allowed to eat anything else from the package because my parents though I would not eat my dinner. But sweets are much better than ordinary dinner, are they not?